Monday, November 4, 2013

Vertigo

So I was wrapping up at work today and a weird dizzy feeling came over me. I managed to pick up the kids and get home and not throw up or wreck the car, so that is a win.

Now I'm laid up in bed not feeling awesome, but feeling okay as long as I don't turn my head. If I turn my head I feel like I'm on a boat in very turbulent waters. And it makes me wicked seasick.

Long story short, you're looking at my post du jour. I was going to write about my foray into canning, but this will have to suffice.

Dizzily yours, 
CM

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Tasty Feelings

I'm in bad shape right now. And I'm not just talking about my feelings. My delicious, delicious feelings.

You see, I'm an emotional eater. Those of you who get so stressed or sad that you can't eat, I hate you.* I want to be one of you, but I'm not. The minute those bad feelings creep in they start yelling "EAT ALL THE REESES!!!!" and I just start hoovering in all the crap I can eat. Blizzards, cookies, candy, Oreo milkshakes, you name it... and they're often washed down with nachos and a margarita. 

Basically, over the last two months I have turned into a human landfill. All kinds of bad crap has gone in and just hung around, being all gross and stuff (yeah, all that "real food" eating I normally do went right out the window)

No joke, I currently weigh MORE than I did when I was 9 months pregnant with Duckie. Granted, before my dad died, I was already overweight, but I have gained about 15-20 pounds of delicious feelings in the last two months. My clothes are too tight and I've taken to wearing sweatpants 99% of the time I'm not at work (and I ain't gonna lie, some days those yoga pants go to work with me...).

To curb this, starting tomorrow I am going to start the whole eat less & move more thing, even though I so love the eat more, move less diet. I kind of have a vague plan, but it is something to the effect of starting out walking  more  this week and then if that seems to be going okay (I tore my calf muscle and it is just now healed enough to start working out on it) I'm going to start back on Couch to 5k next week. 3-4x a week I'm also going to be doing this diabolical plan that Little Man's godfather (co-founder of PrayFit, fitness guru, and all around good dude) cooked up for me:

5 push-ups
10 body-weight squats
15 crunches
Over & over, as many as possible in 10 minutes.

Just typing that makes me want to die a little.

So that is that... Hopefully in a few months I'll be fitting into my jeans and feeling a little better. And my feelings won't be tasting so delicious.

Also, I leave you with this, because she's basically me:



*I don't hate you, I'm just jealous. I love you. Even if you don't/can't eat when you're sad. 


Day 2:
NaBloPoMo November 2013

Saturday, November 2, 2013

NaBloPoMo

Hi there!

I am slowly trying to piece back together some semblance of "normal" in the wake of the giant tectonic emotional upheaval which occurred in August. In an effort to kickstart my writing, I'm participating in BlogHer's November NaBloPoMo, or National Blog Post Month.

What does that mean, you ask? It means I am going to try to post daily for the month of November. I can't promise daily content, but hopefully I can re-ignite the writing fire!

So, what can you look forward to reading? A little about the house, a little about the garden, a little about the kids, a little about parenting, a little about grieving, and an open letter of apology to Jason Segel (trust me, you won't want to miss that! If I don't produce it by Thanksgiving, someone needs to call me on it!!).

Anyhoo... Stay tuned for all that Clutter-y goodness you've been waiting for!!


NaBloPoMo November 2013

Thursday, August 29, 2013

An Explanation of My Absence

A few months ago I posted vaguely that I wasn’t doing well. And then I pretty much posted nothing until now.

So, I thought I should share what’s been going on.

In early December, my Dad called me to tell me that he had been diagnosed with congestive heart-failure. This was a major blow, as he had been battling Hepatitis C for many years and at this point, his only (very distant) hope for beating it was a liver transplant. The CHF diagnosis knocked him off the transplant list and quashed the tiny glimmer of hope for a “cure.” It also hit home that my Dad’s life expectancy was being cut even shorter. While I can only imagine what it was like for him to hear this diagnosis, for me, it was crushing. I was finally having to really accept my father’s mortality. It was not a fun experience.

For the first time in my life, I couldn’t get excited about Christmas. I went through the motions for my kids, but I was just so sad. I even attended my church’s “Blue Christmas” service, which was helpful in allowing me to feel less guilty about feeling so sad at my favorite holiday. It just felt like so much hope was sucked out of my world in the span of a few weeks. 

During one of our regular Skype conversations in February, my dad told me of his newest diagnosis: Pulmonary Fibrosis. While we joked that he was trying to collect as many terminal diagnoses as possible, my heart was overwhelmed by the magnitude of what that all meant. It meant time was limited.

It was around this time that I stopped posting to the blog because we had a lot going on around the house, on top of my funky emotional stuff. As a result of some huge home improvement projects and my general malaise, honestly, my house was a mess and I felt disingenuous posting about great ways to get your act together, when my act was so far from together. (Though I feel it is also important to note that I wasn't suffering a major depression, but just wasn't in the greatest of head spaces. It ebbed and flowed throughout the spring).

Unfortunately, because I was unemployed and we had purchased a "fixer-upper house" we really couldn't afford to travel out to see my Dad, step-mom and sisters, so we made due with lots of Skype conversations. Little Man loved walking around the house and showing his Pops stuff and Duckie thought Skype peek-a-boo was HILARIOUS. While I loved that my boys could connect with my Dad, part of me sometimes wondered if it would just be better for them to not know their Pops. To spare them the pain of losing him, because I knew losing him would happen sooner than later. It was a selfish thought, and one I couldn't go through with, because I knew how much these Skype sessions meant to my dad.

And yet, with all this illness, my dad was still up and about. Not his old active self, but not on his deathbed, either. He seemed tired and out of breath, and sometimes puffy from the CHF, but otherwise, the normal that I had grown accustomed to. He was definitely not well, but I think my youngest sister said it best when she said “he was sick, but he never seemed like he was that sick.”

On Friday, August 16, my world changed forever. My cell phone rang. “Dad Home” popped up on the screen and I thought “YAY! I was going to Skype him today anyway.” I picked up the phone, expecting to hear his voice. When I heard my older sister’s voice, I was startled. She was calling to tell me that Dad had died that morning.

I wasn’t ready to hear that.

I’m still not ready.

I still needed to call him and say I loved him one last time. My boys needed to have one more Skype session with him. We still had so much to talk about.

And yet, despite all this, he was gone.

The past few weeks have been a blur of travel and childcare arrangements and funeral arrangements and family and all the zillion other things that go along with losing a family member. Now, I am home and I am trying to adjust to the new normal. I know I will get to a place where I will feel better, but right now, I just feel sad. As a normally happy person, feeling persistently sad is a really uncomfortable place for me. I’m allowing myself the time and space to grieve, but I hate knowing how long a process it will be. And that while it will not always feel this raw, it will remain an unfixable hurt.

I’m sure that for a while, if/when I post on here, the posts won’t always be chipper. I apologize in advance for that (I know I don’t have to, but c’mon, who wants to read a downer blog? Not me!). But, if you can bear with me for a little while, I’m hopeful that we’ll get back to a new normal and I’ll be telling you how to reorganize your life in a few easy steps…

For now, I just miss my dad so much that I barely care if my junk drawer is a hot mess.

Cluttered Mama (as a Cluttered Girl) with her Daddy, may he rest in peace

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Painted Pots

Recently, Diesel did a cabinet install for some clients who were also in the process of re-landscaping their back yard. They asked him if he would be interested in some fiberglass flower pots for which they no longer had a need. He snapped a photo and sent it to me and I responded with a resounding “FREE FLOWER POTS? HELL YEAH!”


Nope, these pots are totally not my style, but they were FREE. I like free stuff. Free pretty much trumps ugly any day of the week when it comes to items, such as flower pots, where function is more important than beauty.

I decided that I wanted them for on the deck, but they’d need some freshening up. So I got some spray paint at Home Depot and went to town. The texture of the pots was perfect for someone like me who is fairly heavy handed with the spray paint. Any extra paint just sort of oozed into the lumps and bumps and made me look like I was a spray painting genius.





I’m actually pretty pleased with the project. Granted, it wasn't “free” because I paid about $16 for spray paint (would've been more like $8 if I had opted for just one color), but considering that at Home Depot, one painted fiberglass pot of a similar size is about $20, I’m gonna say $16 for 4 is a bargain!

(In case you’re curious as to why I chose the colors I did, the inspiration was the door mat on the back deck)



 A little before & after to really hit home the change (and for your pinning pleasure!)

Monday, April 1, 2013

Hello my dear readers!

It is April 1. I am back on the blogger horse. What can I say, sometimes life yells "SWEEP THE LEGS!!!" and you find yourself on your ass! That is where I have been the last month an a half. I'm not back to feeling 100% great, but I need to start blogging again to help shake my funk away. It is just hard to come on here and talk about getting life all organized and tidy and whatnot, when you are looking around you and thinking "I am in shambles and so is this house."

And yet, I would venture to guess you guys come here because I'm fairly real about my struggles with trying to get my act together!

So, right now I am ignoring the pile of dishes sitting next to the sink, and the laundry in the basket, and coming here and writing to y'all!

Now, lest you think Cluttered Mama has been just laying around doing nothing but moping and having panic attacks, I have actually been furiously applying to jobs (and getting no replies) and working on the house. I have spent the better part of this week trenching the front yard & garden for a sprinkler system, which is super fun. In the way root canals are fun. Today I found a partial skeleton of what I believe is a cat. Also awesome.

I also started the boys in swimming lessons and scored some free lawn chairs from the side of the road! (YEAH!!!) So we're keeping busy.

Now, I have some stuff ready to write about this week, some old, some new, but all good I hope. So I'll be seeing you soon!

And thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for the kind wishes and emails after my last post!

Friday, March 22, 2013

Hi

I've been having a rough time. Bear with me. I'll be back soon, I promise. :)